Twenty Celebrities Who Think They're Better Than You

Have you ever noticed how some celebrities think they're way better than you? Like, if they saw you bleeding and dying on the side of the road, they probably wouldn't even take the time to pull out their gazillion dollar cell phones and dial 911? And if you were to, heaven forbid, meet them in-person in a non-dying capacity, there's a serious possibility they'd hand you their garbage because obviously everybody on the face of the planet exists solely to serve them? Well, I have. I hella have, which is why I'm counting down the top 20 celebrities who would, in the words of Veronica Mars, walk over my corpse (and yours) for a piece of gum.

20. Michael Cera

It pains me to put you on this list, Michael Cera, because I loved George Michael more than words can express but when you hold up the filming of an Arrested Development movie because you're too busy or want more money, shit gets serious. I blame you for the fact that the movie is probably no longer getting made. Let's face it: you play the same character in every movie and you have nobody to thank for your newfound shtick but the writers of that show. Be thankful . Don't get cocky and demanding.

19. Victoria Beckham

Okay, so you're married to some sort of football god who may or may not have been chiseled out of stone by, like, Leonardo DaVinci or something, but that does not make you the greatest thing ever Victoria. It's okay to, I don't know, smile every now and then and wear something that doesn't cost around the same amount as my house. For god sakes, you were a member of the Spice Girls, not the Beatles. Get over yourself.

18. Rush Limbaugh

Who haven't you judged? I mean, really? On your show you have been racist, blatantly incorrect, and offensive. You have insulted everybody from Oprah to John F. Kennedy. You have spewed hate to millions of people across the United States and the world…because you can. It gets you listeners. And because you've been on the air for so long, you basically have a carte blanche to say whatever you want. Who's going to stop you? Keith Olbermann? Hardly. What is it that they say in Star Wars ? Something along the lines of hate leading to the dark side? Welcome to the dark side, Rush. You may recognize fellow citizens Darth Vadar and Lord Voldemort. Someday your house of lies will come crashing down around you and I will stand by and watch because you clearly think that you're better than all America.

17. Tom Cruise

To me, the last straw for Tom Cruise was when he had the audacity to lecture women on the evils of using medication for post-partum depression. Tom – you are not a doctor, you have never been a doctor, and you do not have the authority to give anybody medical advice. Now stop preaching Scientology and make some more action films.

16. Perez Hilton

Oh, Perez. You have somehow deluded yourself into thinking that people care what you think. We don't. In fact, if there is one person on this list that I am absolutely sure I am way better than, this is him. Why?

1. I don't make my livelihood drawing badly on celebrities.
2. I didn't call Will.i.am a fag and then get punched in the face.
3. My offer to donate money to the Matthew Shepherd foundation was not rejected.
4. I didn't inadvertently make Carrie Prejean famous (thanks a lot, dude).
5. I didn't post pictures of an exposed minor on my site.
6. I am way more attractive (trust me on this)

15. Paris Hilton

Any person who organizes and stars in a reality television show where people literally compete to be her new best friend not only deserves to be on this list, but possibly should see a professional because the level of ego involved in that scenario is something I'm sure even Freud would be floored by.

14. Christian Bale

Christian Bale is a fantastic actor…with a really bad attitude. This became readily apparent when he screamed at a poor cinematographer during the filming of Terminator Salvation . Now Christian, we realize that you need to get into a "zone" or whatever when you film a movie, but c'mon. It was Terminator Salvation. This wasn't going to win you that long awaited Oscar. Take a chill pill, dude.

13. Tyra Banks

Have you ever actually watched America's Next Top Model ? My friends and I have a drinking game. Every single time Ms. Banks makes it "all about her" we take a sip. From posting pictures of herself all around the models' houses to challenges based on Tyra's modeling career, this seemingly innocent game gets us very tanked. Further, I don't know who Tyra thinks she is (Oprah?) but her talk show could easily be renamed to, "Tyra Explains Why She's Better Than Her Guests."

12. Sarah Palin

It boggles my mind that a woman who can't even name one newspaper she reads, charges $300 to speak an event. Despite my greatest efforts, Sarah Palin has become the female voice of the Republican Party. In fact, she'll probably run for president in 2012. Imagine that: Sarah Frakkin' Palin, President of the United States. I know it's cliché, but man – I will flee to Canada if that happens. So why does Sarah think she's better than you? Well, it takes balls to get criticized repeatedly for not knowing anything about running a country and then to do…absolutely nothing about it. Over the past year, Palin has managed to wield the same amount of influence in the political sphere as leading politicians and yet, she has done nada to improve her credentials. In fact, she even abandoned her post as governor of Alaska. Does she think we won't notice in 2012? Or is she really just in it for the money? Only time will tell, but either way, she's playing us all for suckers.

11. Madonna

I think I'll always love Madonna, but anybody who rubs $8,000 worth of anti-aging body lotion on her skin every night and speaks with a fake British accent has some serious ego issues. I mean, really serious.

10. Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt

For two people who have literally done nothing , these guys sure have an inflated sense of self. Heidi thinks she's going to be a movie star. Spencer thinks we care about his weird crystal fetish. The list goes on. Watching these two on reality television is like watching a car wreck. It's so disgusting and horrifying you know you should look away, but you just can't. I'm hoping in the next five years people will be saying, "Heidi and Spencer who?" but somehow I doubt we'll all be that lucky.

9. Angelina Jolie

Years ago Angelina Jolie was just the weird, hot chick who made-out with her brother on the red carpet (gross) and wore a vial of Billy Bob Thorton's blood (weird). But since stealing Brad Pitt away from Jennifer Aniston, Angelina has gone all humanitarian on us. She's adopting kids right and left, acting in movies with substance, and speaking out against the injustices of the world. We get it, Angelina. You're way more accomplished than all of us. Now shut up.

8. Megan Fox

Remember that mean, hot girl in high school who told all the boys that she doesn't like hanging out with other girls because she just can't relate to them and all the boys totally fell for it ? And remember when she slept with a bunch of them? And now remember how she was a huge bitch ? Yeah, that's Megan Fox. In fact, Megan Fox is so self-centered and arrogant that she had the gall to insult Michael Bay, the director responsible for skyrocketing her into stardom. Big mistake. Now she won't be appearing in the third Transformers' film. Oops.

7. Tiger Woods

Up until recent events, Tiger Woods clearly saw himself as some sort of greater deity. In the golf world, this might be true, but his actions off the field indicate that he felt invincible in every aspect of his life...that is, of course, until his wife took a nine iron to his car. In takes a mighty confident man to cheat on his wife as many times as Tiger did and expect his house of cards not to tumble. Obviously, the thought of consequences never ran through Tiger's inflated head. His bad.

6. OJ Simpson

OJ Simpson recently tried to sell the suit he wore when he killed his wife to the Smithsonian Museum. I'm not even joking. To OJ, getting away with murder is not enough. He wants to go down in history as the guy who got away with murder and said, "nay nay nay nay nay" to the rest of the world. Mission accomplished.

5. John Mayer

John Mayer went from being the talented new guy to the biggest douche in Hollywood fairly quickly. Maybe it was because of that time he threw a cruise for himself, or maybe it was when he allegedly treated Jennifer Aniston like crap, or maybe it was his latest Playboy interview where he gave himself a "hood pass" and used the n-word repeatedly. I don't know. Frankly, there are just too many examples to choose from.

4. Miley Cyrus

Miley, Miley, Miley…every interview I watch with you things have gotten worse. I know that about 20 million girls around the world think you're the greatest thing since Sponge Bob, but you're not. You can't sing. You can't really dance. You're acting is subpar. What really bothers me about Miley though is not her clear lack of talent--it's that she's kind of a stuck-up brat. For instance, if you say in your song that you get excited when a Jay-Z song comes on, the least you could do is learn the name of one Jay-Z song. Or, if somebody asks you if you like Glee , you could at least try to say something nice about it. After all, half your fan base is probably obsessed. I mean, has this girl never heard of a diplomatic answer? Also, please don't lecture us on your beliefs in waiting till marriage and Christianity and then include a stripper pole in your dance routine. It's just too cliché.

3. Chris Brown

What is truly mind boggling about the whole Chris Brown situation is that Chris Brown clearly thought so highly of himself that he really never considered the repercussions beating up his girlfriend would have on his career, and at the end of the day, that's what's bothering him most – not that Rhianna is probably scarred emotionally for life or that he set a horrible example for millions of kids around the world, but that his record sales are down, radio stations won't play his songs, and England banned him from touring. Boohoo.

2. Kanye West

Kanye has always had a huge ego, but things took a turn for the ridiculous when a very drunk West decided he was entitled enough to interrupt Taylor Swift's MTV Video Awards' acceptance speech and let us all know that Beyonc should have won. First of all Kanye, duh. Second, this was the MTV Video Awards, not the Oscars. Nobody cares. Third, you sir, are not the voice of the people (despite what may be the case in your dreams). Get over yourself.

1. Steve Jobs

I love Apple as much as the next liberal post-grad, but even I was insulted when instead of owning up to the newest iPhone's reception problem, Steve had the gall to tell his users that they were holding it wrong. Yikes. Dude – if there's a certain way people need to hold your phone, there's a problem. Just admit it. You are not a god. People will not believe anything you tell them to (well, at least a large percentage of the population won't). I think it's time Steve Jobs come back to reality and exist with the rest of us mere mortals.